i knew much more than i do now
Posted by: astrodominie on: December 15, 2008
Sometimes I don’t really know what happens to me.
My mind, which I used to pride on being pratical and clear, seizes onto the smallest fact and works on it until the germ of an idea is built into a sticky mass of anger and resentment. You feel like you can’t take anymore, and can’t take it anymore. There’s a difference between this and bored drama – at that moment, and for a few moments after, it really matters to you, and you feel hurt, betrayed and thoroughly fed up of the life you’re living.
And in this flow of irrationality, there’s the accompanying fury and despair that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. In fact, the other person has no clue what you’re thinking and why, and wouldn’t really be able to understand even if you tried to explain.
Is this a female emotion and state of mind? As gendered as that sounds, I think it’s true. Women have the complex ability to deconstruct every single word, and identify layers of meaning that don’t really exist. They might exist, but usually they don’t. And in that rush of angst, you lose control over your words and your vocabulary (usually your asset) depart, making you even more incoherent.
I try to shake it off but it pulls me down and leaves me feeling irritable and spoiling for a fight. Which I don’t have the satisfaction of winning, because praticality and common sense (not always mine) wins over.
And I feel foolish. And stuck.
Title Source: City of Blinding Lights by U2
15 Responses to "i knew much more than i do now"
December 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm
and edit my link here 
in ur blog roll and i dont like moderation!!!!
December 15, 2008 at 1:25 pm
@ letch – haha the reason why i don’t tell is because i know it’s too silly to even be an issue. usually one that i’ve concocted in my fertile mind. though i tell him a lot more than i’ve told most people. ai ai. and yes, it’s the first scenario, not the second.
updated link! and moderation only for ppl who haven’t commented before. now you can comment freely, with no suppression.
December 15, 2008 at 1:28 pm
It’s when I read things like this that I rejoice in the fact that I’m not slowly going insane after all 
And I know the feeling so well. Especially that bit where, at the end of an utterly failed attempt at communicating what you’re feeling, you’re made to feel doubly ridiculous for a) feeling it in the first place and b) bothering to say anything at all.
And as for the female bit – this entire “situation” occurs mostly with men, as far as I can see. I mean, somehow, it’s just easier to say whatever you want to when your issue is with a girl.
December 15, 2008 at 2:00 pm
exactly. i realized that i’m NOT this moody, irrational and emotional with any other person (thank god for that, nobody else would even take it).
and i wrote this secure in the knowledge that even if no one else felt the same way, you would. if this were a facebook note, i’d tag you.
December 16, 2008 at 5:10 am
I don’t know if it’s just a female thing. I sometimes feel like that except it’s not really directed at or caused by anyone. And since I don’t have anything or anyone to direct it at, I get even more frustrated.
I feel like I’m in Munch’s The Scream.
Then I just sleep and hope I wake up in a better mood.
December 16, 2008 at 7:11 am
I must admit that’s an excellent and rather comfortingly familiar description of a very common state of mind…
I don’t know if it’s a “woman thing”, but more so, I guess…
Frustration and that “i hate feeling stupid” feeling soon follow… and you start wishing you could hit the rewind/cut/backspace/delete button and start all over…
Even talking about it makes you feel rather stupid, because now you’re in two minds…
a) you feel that way about “the situation” anyway
b) you know feeling that way is starting to become rather silly! and that’s frustrating too!
Eventually I start wishing I could stick to one frame of mind, because then it wouldn’t be so complicated… or would it?
Keep blogging, it’s a pleasure to read and relate sometimes …
December 16, 2008 at 7:39 am
@ koze – sleep is such a convenient escape. and you usually wake up feeling foolish and benevolently deciding to let things go.
@ AJ – i’m so glad it’s not uncommon! and you’re so right about (a) and (b). and the person you’re trying to communicate with is terribly confused by what you’re trying (or not trying) to say.
December 16, 2008 at 8:39 am
Naah, this happens to me as well at times. Can relate to it, and one nice way to feel better is to do what you are doing – that is writing about it!
I’m sure you’ll get over it soon. Nice blog btw, been reading for a while and stop by when I can I shall add you to my roll and google reader to keep track!
December 16, 2008 at 11:29 am
hahaha i totally understand what you’re saying. i think it’s more a boredom thing. or maybe it’s to get some attention.
but it happens.
as long as that feeling passes in a coupla hours, it’s all good.
December 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm
@ AJ – yay! i’ll drop by your blog and add you back. and yeah, i got over it in a few hours. watching comments add up on the blog also really helped.
@ anna – yeah. i think it’s also a little bit about ego towards the end of it. the worst is the overnight grievance sessions.
December 16, 2008 at 6:19 pm
LOL thank you. I don’t know if I should feel flattered or not.
You know, for all our complaining, we should feel rather lucky.
December 17, 2008 at 2:11 pm
haha, of course we’re lucky. we just like to forget it.
December 18, 2008 at 2:17 pm
i think its not oly a female thing..men tend to over analyse things.. just that they don let it out..
and i too have the same thing going, but i guess it helps me being in control of myself.. somehow its easier topretend to brush things off and jus ponder over it all by urself than blurt it out..
but if the thought is recuring, u MUST talk it over.. easier said than done though!
December 22, 2008 at 1:38 pm
damn. the men i know don’t analyze at all! i mean, if they do, they don’t do it in a painful, moody, upset way.
and it takes me time but eventually do say it, cos i really want to, as dumb as it might be. progress.
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December 15, 2008 at 12:39 pm
well… it’s more a female thing.
and more a Jay thing
i feel u hide things within you and like u said u worry about it later
so u must TELL that person when u ve been affected… just tell(Esp if its ur bf) and trsut me u d feel so much better. I used to be like u once upon a time, it leads to frustration and u’l do drastic things. u ll need to fake before the person that u re fine with everythg and that leads to more anger and frustration
now if its not someone close enuf that u can go tell- i d say, that person’s not even worth ur thoughts(anger/ joy etc) i mean to say dont waste time feeling frustrated abt somethg “someone” did if she is nt ur close buddy.